Introverts assemble! To the front...

Hi guys,

How've you been holding up?

Here’s a quick storytime with a sneak peek into one of my social anxiety episodes and how I realised I was depriving the world and myself of the true me. It’s for anyone who feels like they haven’t been themselves for a while, and don’t even know how to do that anymore. To ignite the fire to start your journey to get your sparkle back, pulling you out of the darkness.

So at my workplace, you know since Covid people work hybrid, so companies have office days and events to get everyone in at the same time. My workplace is no different. And one thought that stuck out so crazy was that I might just be okay being invisible. Being invisible is my superpower. Man, that struck like a gentle dagger to the heart. Imagine an ice cube landing and melting on your heart ever so gently. How can something so mean be my comfort?

Let’s put this into context. Introverts gather to the front. I thrive on my own. Genuinely, I love it. But community is important too. A balance, right. So I was an introvert, and I was a social anxiety survivor. It was so bad I remember dreading going to work sometimes. I would literally find myself with my heart racing, breaking into a sweat as lunchtime approached, and you could hear the distant chatter of work buddies rounding up their crews, getting ready to bond over a meal… or whatever people who had friends to eat lunch with at work spoke about.

So I’d panic, frantically looking for somewhere quiet where I wouldn’t have to be around people. But then also feel like the biggest loser. Eventually I’d creep into a bathroom stall and eat lunch there, during my work break, at my big age of twenty four. Literally it was funny and really sad. I remember squatting over a toilet, hearing people come in, imagining them looking at themselves in the mirror and then leaving. Footsteps in and out, raising my anxiety.

Sometimes the movement outside the stall would stop and I’d wonder, have I been caught? Is this someone I knand they’re about to open the door and look at me with pity and disdain? Safe haven, why are you crouching in a bathroom stall? Why is your lunch bag with you? Crazy thoughts of anxiety I’d have every moment I hid from people in the bathroom at work. Kinda gross, right. But that’s just how weirdly insane social anxiety is. It looks harmless but it’s very real.

The flash of embarrassment I would feel when I got home and had to think about how I cowardly hid from the world. Even more embarrassing recounting this to my therapist. There, that should give you context on what I’ve recovered from, praise the Lord 😂 That was top 5 rock bottom moments of social anxiety. My heart beating in my chest, breaking into a sweat at the thought of being around people.

And having hit rock bottom, the only way to go was up. I realised my childhood traumas had stolen something from me. My essence. My sparkle. I used to be so loved, so light. The family member who made everyone laugh, the kind, goofiest friend, living and laughing and just moving through life. And after hitting rock bottom, barely recognising myself, I was determined to find me again.

When my formal human therapy was up and I was better, I called it graduating from therapy, I then delved into self-improvement mode. So I asked Dr ChatGPT, as one does in this day and age, what I was missing and how I ended up there. And I realised all of my issues, even hiding away in my social anxiety, were because I didn’t know how to be me anymore. I forgot who she was.

Childhood abuse from a bipolar stepmother made me tiptoe every day. Is she in a good mood? What do I say today to prevent getting a beating? How do I sit still to avoid unwanted attention and getting in trouble? And that festered into my daily interactions with people as I grew older. Reading the room. Reading people’s emotions and adjusting myself to prevent unwanted and scary perceived attention.

So I’d rather hide, because I never knew what to say, do, act, think or feel. Until eventually I stripped at my very being. Who am I? What do I like? What do I dislike? I know the obvious things, like I don’t support violence, for example. But in a simple conversation with my friends, what are my opinions? What am I passionate about? How do I show up as me without feeling the need to hide or suck up to others to protect myself?

I’m not that 9 year old kid anymore, and people are not my stepmom coming to beat me for a misplaced facial expression she didn’t like. One day my therapist told me, relationships are built on exchange. And it’s not fair when I’m talking to others showing up as fake and hiding myself from them. It’s not fair to the world because, contrary to my belief, the world does want to experience me. People want to get to know you. Humans are wired for connection.

And so then began my journey to self authenticity. To get my sparkle back.

So that thought was so bittersweet. I am invisible and that’s my superpowcer. I think that was my inner critic, the negative things we say about ourselves. Trauma we experienced internally and brought into the homes of our hearts.

I don’t want “invisibility is my superpower” to be my mantra. I want to be me.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is stop moving with old, low vibrational self thoughts, no matter how comforting. Invisibility was enticing to my past introvert self. She could help me skip a work function without anyone noticing. But for the version of me that wanted to unlock my true self, that didn’t serve me anymore. It’s okay to let go of things that don’t serve you.

How I like to do it is I let negative self talk or limiting beliefs pop into my mind, because they will. But I watch them like a butterfly passing by. I don’t have to catch it, take hold of it, internalise it and have that internal battle. Unlike Spongebob chasing a jellyfish with his favourite net, you can just let the thoughts pass by and go. You don’t have to own them.

You can create your own reality on this journey back to you. This is a call to action for your awakening.

You got this girlfriend. Till next time.

And if you’re currently in a season where social anxiety feels heavy and overwhelming, I created something for you. It’s called 'A Friend-in-Your-Pocket Guide to Social Anxiety'. A guide filled with the kind of support, perspective, and practical steps that helped me during my hardest moments so you don’t have to figure everything out alone.

You can explore it here 🤍https://safehavencornerstudio.com/a-friend-in-your-pocket-guide-to-social-anxiety.

TTFN (TA-TA FOR NOW)