Loving Being Alone: Balancing Solitude and Connection

The girlies who love alone time, doing things cutesy things alone, being alone get it.

Making friends as a kid. The struggle

I was reflecting on this the otherday. So, backstory: when I was younger, I didn’t always have friends. I struggled to make them. I think part of it was my background and the area I was in; I wasn't able to relate to the people I was with, even though I really wanted to fit in. I just didn't always manage to.

Shout out if you can relate to that. Maybe you were younger and were of a different ethnicity or background compared to the people around you. As much as you wanted to be with them and really fit in, maybe you didn't speak the same language or couldn't do all the "cool" things that make you seamlessly fall into a group. When I was younger, I was a bit awkward and quiet, and I really struggled to make friends. I remember I would always pray to God and say, "Can I have a best friend? Please give me a best friend. I really want a best friend, just one really good one."

Nonetheless, something beautiful came from that hardship, independence, the ability to enjoy life even when you are alone. From that, I've become the type of person who loves being alone. No kidding you guys, I actually enjoy me time so much. I get giddy and giggly kicking my feet and tickling my toes under the warm sheets when i get to come home, wind down and put on my favorite show. Anyone else struggled to make friends when younger and now just naturally loves being solo?

When you get older, you just find your tribe

Fast forward to growing up. Life is amazing because when you get older, you just find your tribe, right? Something about being in college or just getting older as you find your place in the world exposes you to different types of people, and you can begin to choose the type of people you want in your life. And then even as an adult outside of college, you develop your own personality and start becoming who you truly are.

I love how we are seeing this trend online where the world, people are saying, "I am suddenly feeling like the weird, childhood version of me," and it feels so good to get back to that quirky self. That little bit of pozazz, that little bit of spunk that makes you YOU. That whimsiness! The little bit of whimsy that everyone is embracing on the internet these days is so beautiful. It’s almost like, after a bunch of AI has been shoved in our faces, people are just trying to get back to what feels real.

There was a time when Instagram was becoming so polished and everyone was trying to look perfect, but now it feeld like everyone just wants to get back to becoming whimsical. It’s so fun and exciting to see an era of quirkiness, an era of weirdness, an era of color, and an era of human beings being who they were created to be. That uniqueness adds value to life. I think the combination of being a child who struggled to make friends and being an adult who can now choose your tribe is so powerful.

And so because I have a deeper appreciation for what it feels like to not have a friend from when I was younger. When I do make close friends, I love my people to my core. But I also still have that part in me that enjoys being alone. This brings me to the memory of a friend I met in my freshman year. We are still friends to this day, and I love her down. I just remember we were hanging out one day, chilling on the college grass, and she mentioned how she was so excited at the prospect of us exploring the campus and making *more* friends. Nothing wrong with that, but my thought was always, "Girl, why? I am having the best time with just the two of us!". The thought of a bigger group hadn't even crossed my mind.

That's just it, when you have learnt to be independent really young, sometimes a small close circle feels good enough. Not to mention, if you are anything like me, a large group can be so awkward. Like when there are more than three people hanging out, I'm the one who is just happy to be there, but really I've zoned out to my own personal la-la-land, because the other two can entertain each other and I don't have much to say haha. You know those videos where the first-born, last-born, and middle child are walking together? The first-born is the leader, saying, "Okay, we turn right here, I'll request the Uber in ten minutes." The last-born is just jumping around making noise in their head. Then there is the middle child, who is just completely zoned out, thinking of nothing. Dead silence in their head. That is me. I am a middle child. In a group setting, I often have nothing to say. Bro, I’m good, I’m just happy to be there! But a one-on-one conversation, sister I am present!

If I have one really good friend, I am satisfied.

I’m not going to say I never wanted friends. There was an era where I was desperate to make them; it was a rough, lonely era. But honestly, I just feel like if I have one really good friend, I am good. Honorable mention to my best friend, oh my gosh, I love that girl. Shout out to God, because I realized that in my life, no prayer goes unanswered. I would pray so hard for a best friend with certain qualities, and freshman year was when I finally found her. I can be myself around her. I can say whatever is on my mind, and she is happy to be around me, just as I am happy to be around her. We are totally open and supportive. Having a good friend is amazing, and if that’s something you are seeking, I 10/10 recommend praying about it.

The joys of an introvert

I realized I really am an introvert in the truest sense: a person who gets their energy from being alone and loves being at home. You guys, it’s also a special kind of feeling when you live alone for the first time. You come home to your clean house and walk around dressed however you want. Some people hang out naked, I aint one to judge.But yes, its that feeling of coming home, and you get to put on your K-dramas, and get all giddy. Order takeout or cook a favorite meal. Having the side lamp on for the ambience (because the big lights suck), getting to work-out in front of the TV, using the proud little dumbbell collection or walking pad. Multitasking by exercising and watching TV is my favorite. Or being curled up on the couch with a book when it’s raining. It's an aesthetic vibe: messy bun, cute PJs, and building niche hobbies like collecting books or making lists of favorite K-dramas. It feels so boss.

Solo dates: Even when it comes to going out, you get to go where *you* want to go. Movies alone, cafes alone, brunch alone... I love a good solo date. Going out alone feels like I can actually be present. I also realised I have this "thing." I’ll always pick the comfy couch with the lamp in the corner instead of the bright, loud table in the middle of the room. I notice my extroverted friends always want to sit in the bright light, but I’m the friend saying, "Oh my gosh, let’s go sit on the couch, it’s so cute and comfy!"

Balance between thriving on alone time and connecting with others

I’ve seen a lot of content about people who struggle to be alone, but I am on the opposite end. I thrive alone. And I never feel like a loser for it. Being introverted doesnt always translate to not confident. Sometimes I literally look at myself in the mirror and think, "Look at this fun amzing goddess created by God Himself and plopped to roam the earth!" I will stare at my pictures and hype myself up.

But I’ve also realized something important. Sometimes hyper-independence can turn into avoidance. I haven't been diagnosed, but I think I might have an avoidant attachment style. While that can feel powerful because you are not super dependant on a connection, the goal is actually to have a secure attachment. Sometimes we use being an introvert as a crutch to isolate. Maybe it’s childhood trauma, like my own experience (mentioned in another blog) where childhood abuse that taught me people can be untrustworthy. Maybe it's body insecurity or social anxiety. Whatever it is, if we aren't careful, we become hermits who never want to leave the house. And I know because I've fallen into that negative trap once or twice. The truth is, we don't want to be the "cat lady" just because we were afraid to leave the house! Its all about balance.

How to stay connected without losing yourself.

So if you are on the heavier end of the introversion scale, sometimes we need to be intentional about making time for others. Human beings were meant to connect. Even for an introvert, being around people heals something in you. Here is how I am trying to stay present and stay connected and some things you can try too:

1. Limit the Social Media Trap: We’ve all heard about doomscrolling, where you get caught up watching what other people are doing and miss your own life. I remember hearing about a guy who saw the top of Mount Everest on his phone because someone else hiked it, and it made him delete his apps. He felt like it "spoiled" the view for him. Why witness a mountain on a screen when you could experience the world yourself? Set application restrictions on your phone so you can intentionally make time to connect with others, slot in a catch-up call with a friend, or a hot girl walk. Or simply for your own sanity, get off the phone and get back to things you love, like painting, knitting, or creating.

2. Be Intentional with Communication: Life gets overwhelming: you wake up, go to work, come home, and doomscroll. It’s easy to avoid phone calls, especially if you have that "avoidant" tendency. I started *habit stacking* to fix this. I know I'm about getting snatched, so I will definitely go for a walk every day after work. That time can be used as an opportunity, to use that hour to call a friend or family member. It’s about being intentional.

3. The "Monthly Date" Schedule: One of my friends had a great idea: pick a specific day every single month, like the 30th, for example, that belongs to the group. Whether it’s a lunch or a movie, having it scheduled prevents you from falling into the isolation trap. There is a specific healing that comes from being around people who care about you.

4. Identify What’s Keeping You Indoors: Use journaling to figure out what is actually making you isolate. Is it social anxiety? Body insecurity? Or childhood trauma? Once you identify the root, you can take small steps, like listening to a podcast or an audiobook, to work through it. Addressing the "why" makes it easier to stop avoiding people and eventually want to go outdoors.

5. The "Stay Ready" Philosophy: Sometimes when you're home alone, you want to skip the shower or stay in baggy clothes. But I’ve found that waking up and getting ready, doing your hair and spritzing that scrumptious perfume and putting on a signature outfit, changes your energy. If a friend calls for a random meetup, you are already open and available to say yes. Plus, external visibility increases your "Lucky Girl Syndrome."

6. Solo Dates to Build Connection: Planning dates for yourself is a way to be part of the world without the pressure of a group. When you go to a Pilates class or a movie alone, you’re still in a community. Be kind to the person scanning your ticket or the barista. That "open aura" lifts your energy and allows you to connect and even formulate new connections before you head back to your sanctuary.

7. Practice Curiosity: If you struggle with making friends, practice being inquisitive. When you’re in an Uber or at a class, think about what you’re curious about. If you see a girl in a cute outfit, think, "What would I ask her if I could?" Practicing that curiosity in your head prepares you for the moments when you actually want to meet someone new. Cause once you start asking them questions, the conversations flow from there. That's all it takes to get to know someone new.

We need balance between solitude and connection.

The conclusion is that I really do love being alone. It is beautiful and it restores you. But there is also a certain type of healing that only comes from connection.

So, maybe this is a reminder for the girlies like me, who love their solitude a little too much sometimes, to increase your external visibility and let life reach them halfway. That's it from me. Signing out.

As always on this glow-up journey, I leave you with a tool for your own journey as you to expand your mind as you level up. I create monthly ebooks and audiobooks, pouring into them genuinely to help others with some targeted learning. Because the more you expose yourself to something, the more you become it. And eventually, you wake up one day as your highest, hottest self.

🤍 Here is the link to this week's ebook: https://safehavencornerstudio.com/how-to-be-yourself-again-guide

💛 Audiobook for the listeners : https://safehavencornerstudio.com/the-audio-deepdive-how-to-be-yourself-again-

🧡 Chitchatting and unpacking on YouTube : https://youtu.be/Ds1OIWrVFNg

TTFN, ta ta for now.

Haven ✨

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