When You’re Giving More: Love, Effort & Energy in Friendships

Navigating Old Friendship: Growing Together or Growing Apart?

We don't talk enough about navigating old friendships as we change and grow older. Do we grow together or grow apart? What do you do when friendships start to feel like they are shifting? I’ve started to realize that not everyone loves the way I love. You know, when your version of love looks like showing up, helping, giving, and being there, but theirs doesn’t mirror that in the same way. You show up for their important things, and you are let down when it is your turn. When that happens, you’re left wondering if it is a case of miscommunication that can simply be resolved, or a genuine mismatch in that friendship or relationship altogether.

How I show up: I think about the type of person I am. And if you are an empath, you might be something similar. We are super caring and super loving. I can tolerate a bit of inconvenience if it is for a committed friend. I don’t even think I see it as an inconvenience at the time. My brain's natural response is, "Of course, girlfriend, I'll show up because I care." So, that is what I do in my friendships. I show up. Don’t have a place to stay? You stay with me for the month. You need help moving? I’ll be there folding boxes with you, especially because I know you hate it. If you’re sick, I’m in my "hot girl walking era" so pshh, walking across town to grab you some meds is no biggie. That is just how I love. It comes naturally. But I have learned that not all think the same. And we find ourselves being disappointed because maybe I needed help the one time, but they said no. Or, when life gets busy, as life does, the one time I cannot commit to showing up, I am met with harshness and not grace, or even appreciation of my friendship because you know I definitely do show up when I can. Sometimes others do not receive our intentions the way we hope and it can hurt. Or they don't show up for us the way we did. As an empath, it is beautiful that we are understanding. But I do also want to stress this. Haven takeaway: It is perfectly okay to have an expectation for someone you trust to show up for you. You don't always have to force being understanding and brushing it off when your needs are not met. The way you give love can become the standard you expect love to be returned in.

Different love languages and the storming phase: So the empath tends to try to be understanding of others, even when they themselves have been disappointed. For example, let's say you always show up for someone, but at some point life gets super busy so you don’t find the time to respond to a friend’s messages for about two weeks. You are genuinely overwhelmed and going through a difficult time with a lot of other stuff, so much that you didn’t have the capacity to respond properly, but can still send the occasional TikTok because it is a brainless activity, really. IYKYK. So eventually, the counterparty, let's say your friend, confronts you and asks why you hadn’t replied to her other messages but sent a lazy TikTok. So you explain that you have been overwhelmed with life, maybe you even fell sick, and so you genuinely lacked the mental capacity to respond properly, but you weren't ignoring her and were going to respond in due time. You've shown up for the friend wholeheartedly whenever she needed you, but you just could not this one time. But let's say her response does not land well, or the way you expected it to. You're not met with grace, compassion, understanding, or even support for the tough time you are having, but the friend (who in her own right) rather meets you with distance, dismissal, and no real willingness to talk it through.

This is a true story I've lived, by the way. My friend and I have gotten through that hurdle beautifully. But I thought I'd still share the difficulty on here for someone who feels that they always show up for others, but when they need it, the same energy is not always there or you are not met with grace when you make a mistake. It can feel really saddening, frustrating, and even angering. Why do people not love you the same? It is a slippery slope. I wanted to voice the emotions because I know it is tough. But your feelings are valid. So feel the anger, sadness, and disappointment.

How to navigate the conflict in the friendship/relationship: Reflection is king. Luckily the friend who I had experienced the conflict with was able to eventually meet me with communication, although I know that is not always the case for everyone. Before I explore the latter, I had to do my own reflection and meet her at her point of need as well. That’s where I started reflecting on myself too. I’m very big on the idea that before you judge the twig in someone’s eye, you should worry about the log in your own. I sat with it and thought that maybe sending a simple message like, "Hey, I’m overwhelmed, I’ll get back to you," would have been clearer. I’ve accepted that, not in a self-blame way, but in a "this is something I can grow from" way. At the same time, like I had mentioned in the previous paragraph, I was lucky my friend and I were both able to accept communication and meet each other at the point of each one's need. But what do you do when a friend does not want to communicate? Maybe she "blue ticks" you and never speaks on the matter again. Or you have the discussion but, as an empath, you are always the one who is trying to make things right, so naturally you do the apologizing or trying to appease the next person but they don't seem to hear a word you say. Or think about how they hurt you.

Using the same example above, I did not respond to my friend's text message, and she confronted me, ghosted me, but then came back later to talk things out and everything was resolved. But what if someone is perhaps stubborn or lacks the emotional depth to see beyond their grievance and understand why you couldn't show up that one time? Because I have had friendships like this too. That’s where it gets tricky. How to navigate conflicts in relationships: do we grow together or do we grow apart? Do you cut ties when friendships start feeling misaligned? Do you stay and adjust even when it feels like the next person is not making the slightest effort to understand you too? Because that can be frustrating. Or is there a middle space where you just learn each other better? I know everyone is human and people make mistakes. I know expectations are often unspoken and therefore unmet. But what do you do when you genuinely believed someone would show up for you in a certain way and they don't? What do you do with that kind of hurt? Haven takeaway: The truth is, not every friendship issue is a sign to leave. Sometimes it’s a sign to realign expectations and communication.

I have learned that you have three options. Work on the issue. Cut ties. Or, sometimes we need to demote friendships. And I say this not in a mean or nasty way. But not everyone can naturally be your best friend and give you all you need. Let's say you thought you and someone were super close, and you really need them one time but they do not show up for you like you hoped. And maybe they do that several times. It is okay to demote the level of expectation for the friendship. Maybe someone is just your fun friend who you love to hang out with. Maybe another friend is your Pilates buddy. Maybe you are friends with someone just because you are new to town and are exploring together. And not all of these friends would show up and get you out of the house in your lowest point of depression, but one of them truly would. She will walk to the ends of the earth for you. That is perfectly okay. Not every friend has to be your best friend.

We need to have the discernment to know when to cut someone off, but I think we also need to realize that when someone disappoints us constantly, we can still love them, just change the level of expectation from that friendship. It is like finding a partner: you date and then you find the right one who you have the greatest understanding with. Sometimes life is about finding the "good enough" secure relationships we can pour into, and simply enjoying the rest of the other relationships not expecting the most but enjoying the community for what each different one offers. And that's truly okay.

Closing reflection: So discernment is key. Sometimes we can work on our conflicts and resolve them. Other times we may need to cut someone off truly to protect your energy. Other times we only simply need to rephrase the expectation from a certain relationship dynamic. And that is okay. As I sign out, I want to mention that this page, this little corner of the internet, is a safe haven where we grow, level up, have our deep moments, and also let our hair down and have a little bit of spunk. I’d love for this to truly become a community, where we grow and become our best, hottest, highest selves. If you’d like to be part of it and hear from me a bit more, you can leave your email below, subscribe, and join the haven. I’ll check in with you every now and then.

As always on this glow-up journey, I leave you with a tool to expand your mind as you level up. I create monthly ebooks and audiobooks, pouring into them genuinely to help others with some targeted learning. Because the more you expose yourself to something, the more you become it. And eventually, you wake up one day as your highest, hottest self.

🤍 Here is the link to this week's ebook for the readers : https://safehavencornerstudio.com/crowned-a-6-month-natural-hair-growth-guide

💛 Audiobook for the listeners (coming soon if not linked already).

🧡 Chitchatting and unpacking on YouTube : https://youtu.be/idl8CTMHs80

TTFN, ta ta for now.

Haven ✨

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